privacy

Sometimes i feel I need to be alone to take in the environment and to take in life. I need to feel the quiet and I need to undertand. Its 4 am and I cant sleep. this is crazy. First thing though when I leave the bronx and get back to jersey city I need to call my insurance company and get shit done. I am next to my loved one in bed. He has been nothing but good to me. I am so in love. We are so strange. He and I are so different and so alike. He is passionate and strong. I cant wait to be finally married to him.

blah monday

I am here still angry. received call from scan place. they said the pre-certs arent in yet so my appt was cancelled. maybe thats why I am angry. Just not in a good mood today. I wish certain things in my life were a bit different.

thinking

I do not think the reality of the stem cell transplant has hit me yet. I have been angry off and on throughout the day about my health and people in my life. Maybe when it hits me I will be in tears. I am kinda numb also to my situation.

doctors

I am kind of upset. I guess my sister does not understand. I was told the stem cell transplant only has a 50 50 chance of working. Its a good thing I preserved my fertility because tehy said there is a chance I might become infertile even with shots and a pill they have. My mind is quiet. I guess it all hasn't sunk it yet.

writing

I would like to present my blog for people to read. I think it would help them. A fresh voice maybe? Help from an underdog? Its in me to write. But my writing is flawed. I can only write what I am interested in. If not I go blank. I feel like I can inpire other people with cancer to fight and live life. I can help brides answer questions they may have about their big day. I just need the chance to show and prove it.

down on art

ever since i got sick and ever since my last show, I feel my artistic self has lost itself. I have not worked on anything new or been in any new shoaws. Have I lost my creativity? I feel it I have. Where did I go wrong? I blame myself for much of how my carreer went. Did I choose the wrong internships that took me no where? I envy a couple of my colleagues who were able to get into film and photo with ease. Now I am planning a wedding as well and that is not going well since we had to postpone it due to my illness. I need to work from home I can feel it. My health calls for it at this point. I want to write but write what I want to with no constraints. And the next question like always is then how? I know for sure I plan to go to the PI to start a film carreer. that def would be for the best for me. Being an artist in the usa is not easy. its been frustrating for me. its held me at a bank job for years. A job I need to leave. My head screams for creativity.