being featured in a documentary

I am excited yet scared about the documentary I am in about chronic illness which will be played at the Helen Mills Theater on Sun. I dread being seen on the big screen. At the same time five piecees of my artwork will also be on display. The name of the documentart is Its not what you think by Jazzmyn Banks.

film

Yesterday there was auditions for zombies for a film I have been working on as a script editor. I didnt know the director needs 30 zombies. Wow that's a lot. It was fun watching various characters audition for parts. Iam so excited to be a part of this film. my fiance even auditioned for a part as a zombie and got it. LMAO!!!And working for Rabbi shmuley has been proving to be a great experience even though its for menial stuff for now. Its great experience since he is doing all these interviews about Michael Jackson.

today memorial day

I feel very sad today and I have no reason to. I have told no one and I feel weird like almost isolated. Almost like teen angst. I know the depression is a side effect of the chemo and I dont mind. But days like this feel as though it can drag on. I feel good though I did land a part in a movie as a script editor/supervisor for an indie flick part 2 of the zombie chronicles and I yet to see how cohosting the radio gig will go. Its something cant complain.

Went to marshalls didn't see anything worth buying now I am hopelessly bored.

recovering

Mentally I think I should recover quicker but physically is another story. I am getting the tired cranky feeling again. With all the steroids that were in my chemo, its tempting to start fights. I have been doing my best to prevent these. The tiredness I get is so overwhelming, its comes quick and envelopes me like a blanket and stays long. Even as I type this my eyese are heavy and groggy. Will keep this short so I can sleep.

back home and contemplating

I am home now from the harsh treatments of chemo. I have changes physically and mentally and emotionally. I am speechless. I dont have much to say about this experience. I was sad tough as I layed in bed for two weeks in pain and agony, throwing up here and there and yelling for nurses to bring me a bucket. I feel different like life has slowed down for me and I appreciate and cherish more moments than ever. The chemo has made my skin darker. My toes and feet are black and I have what looks like leopard spots on my back. The steroids have left me swollen and emotional. I know now I need changes in my life and that is with changing my job and going to grad school.

off to the hospital I go

I wont be writing for a while as I wont bring my laptop to the hospital with me. I am scared of the stem cell transplant. I hope I do well and god is with me. I will be back in about two weeks or a month.

scared

I am scared. Saturday is the big day of my stem cell transplant. There was a hold back today. I went to get dental x-rays and I have two infections which may or may not hold me back on treatment. I am terrified of my treatment. I am afraid of how it will make me feel. I feel alone like no one understands. And my sister has been acting like the biggest bitch lately. She yells at me like its my fault when hospital admin fuck up. I have no control over that. Why does she not understand that? Is she not having enough sex? I dunno. I hate to say things like that but when you act like that it so comes off that way. Tonight I am trying to get some stuff done before I am admitted into the hospital, like some bills and paperwork. I am hungry right now. I want falafels. LOL>

Whats to come

I think the reality of it all just hit me and I bursted into tears. Its probably why I cant sleep.

back from hospital

I just got back from a grueling round of chemo. Its a toll on me this time I can feel it. My stomach hurts feels like someone punched it. I feel nauseous. I have the worst headache and I am dizzy. i cant even bare to stand more than a few minutes without feeling like I am passing out. I was on chemo for 24 hours straight for four days in preparation for my stem cell transplant. My mind feels a bit foggy so I will end this blog here.

chemo

Today I had chemo. I am two weeks late for it. Not a big deal I thought but the oncologist caught an attitude with me and totally dismissed my lump in my right breast. I am going to monitor it and get a second opinion on it as well. Tomorrow I will check in and get the more aggressive stuff as I prepare for the stem cell transplant. I freaking out. I am scared. I know the odds are low on dying from this but the side affects are grand and many. I am not looking forward to the nausea and everything else that comes with the chemo side effects. I will want to go home like in my first day. The way chemo makes you feel is like your being poisoned slowly to death. I really want this to be over soon. I am sick of this and everything. I don't like how it makes my mind foggy or me moody.

At least my fiance is there for me and supportive.

another day

I have some art jobs coming up male erotic shots. Whats on my mind is my sister lately she has been so bitchy I mean I wanna tell her sometimes thats why your husband left you. He could notbe himself around you. That's why he is with a redhead a girl who probably accepts him for who he is. I also applied for social security disability Iope it goes well. might be out of work for a while. And Monday I have an interview for an internship.
Sometimes its good to write this way just to get ideas out. And then more tests this week pt and ct scans. Well anyway back to the sis she irritates the fuck out of me. She is so dry and judgemental. No one can relax around her. She treats me like shit. She will never find the right person if she continues to be that way. Sometimes i think she just needs more sex from her bf. Or maybe she needs the stick pulled out of her ass. I dunno why shes like that.

I have been noticing that my appetite is increasing probably from the steroids. And I am scared I left the lump in my breast grow back. And my hand some some nasty skin growth probably due to my low immune system.

today

I still feel angry not sure what its about. not sure if its medical related or just stresS. Staying away from my sister has shown me how much of a bitch she is. I can never act myself around her. Right now I am hungry. I think my laptop is broke the keys are acting funny.

privacy

Sometimes i feel I need to be alone to take in the environment and to take in life. I need to feel the quiet and I need to undertand. Its 4 am and I cant sleep. this is crazy. First thing though when I leave the bronx and get back to jersey city I need to call my insurance company and get shit done. I am next to my loved one in bed. He has been nothing but good to me. I am so in love. We are so strange. He and I are so different and so alike. He is passionate and strong. I cant wait to be finally married to him.

blah monday

I am here still angry. received call from scan place. they said the pre-certs arent in yet so my appt was cancelled. maybe thats why I am angry. Just not in a good mood today. I wish certain things in my life were a bit different.

thinking

I do not think the reality of the stem cell transplant has hit me yet. I have been angry off and on throughout the day about my health and people in my life. Maybe when it hits me I will be in tears. I am kinda numb also to my situation.

doctors

I am kind of upset. I guess my sister does not understand. I was told the stem cell transplant only has a 50 50 chance of working. Its a good thing I preserved my fertility because tehy said there is a chance I might become infertile even with shots and a pill they have. My mind is quiet. I guess it all hasn't sunk it yet.

writing

I would like to present my blog for people to read. I think it would help them. A fresh voice maybe? Help from an underdog? Its in me to write. But my writing is flawed. I can only write what I am interested in. If not I go blank. I feel like I can inpire other people with cancer to fight and live life. I can help brides answer questions they may have about their big day. I just need the chance to show and prove it.

down on art

ever since i got sick and ever since my last show, I feel my artistic self has lost itself. I have not worked on anything new or been in any new shoaws. Have I lost my creativity? I feel it I have. Where did I go wrong? I blame myself for much of how my carreer went. Did I choose the wrong internships that took me no where? I envy a couple of my colleagues who were able to get into film and photo with ease. Now I am planning a wedding as well and that is not going well since we had to postpone it due to my illness. I need to work from home I can feel it. My health calls for it at this point. I want to write but write what I want to with no constraints. And the next question like always is then how? I know for sure I plan to go to the PI to start a film carreer. that def would be for the best for me. Being an artist in the usa is not easy. its been frustrating for me. its held me at a bank job for years. A job I need to leave. My head screams for creativity.

just here bald

so here I am in my room at humc. I am at my second of chemo. It kills my stomach and I lost my hair three weeks after the first round with a hospital stay for an infection. I am lonely here and so so bored. I want to beat this. and i want this over with. I shaved my head when I saw all my hair coming out in clumps. it felt freeing like I was in more control. Though I am still self conscious with the look. I know these steps will all lead to the big stem cell transplant. I have dreams I hope to fullfill. I wanna be the artist I know I can be. I wanna go to med school and move forward with my education. I want more. So this is just one step i am stuck in before I move on. I am not looking foreward to the chemo 2nite. the thought has my stoach turning inside out.