just here

I have been dealing with horrible medical admin all week. Very Frustrating. Anyway, on a lighter note I am happy to have the love of my life. He has such a good heart and so supportive of my ordeal. I mean its not that I couldnt go through this myself. But having Mario in my life makes everything feel that it will be ok. I feel like i am not ill when i am with him. I know I will be ok. He gives me a comfort that I hate to admit makes me wonder if I am needy. But I guess its ok at times like that to have comfort. Its just I take so much pride in being so independant. He is sleeping next to me and I am still up watching VH1 videos. He makes me feel alive. He allows me to be myself fully. I do not believe I have ever been in such a relationship nor have I ever been truly in love. He makes me feel like its ok to be vulnerable at times when you are having a hard time. And my health has been that these past years. When he asked me to marry himI thought he was joking. I said yeah ok. Then when I realized it wasnt a joke I was so shock. Lol, then I moved in with him. My family love my fiance. And I am in love with him.

lazy

I was suppose to make my way to Jersey today. I guess I was just lazy. I want to leave the house but i dont have the keys for the bottom floor. I am here just watching some Bridezillas and Single in the City. I will definitiely leave the house tomorrow.

right now

i will keep this one brief today. Woke up in immense pain today. The pressure in my chest was not forgiving. I took some pain killers but they took a while to kick in. I havent eaten yet either nor am I hungry. I know I need to eat to have energy. I have chores to do but just no strength to do them. The chills I had earlier are now turning into night sweats. Not being able to control your own body temperature is very uncomfortable. The only reason I have not started treatment yet is because I am in need of a stem cell transplant which to my dismay will leave me sterile unable to have children. So I am in the process of storing my egg cells for future pregnancies. bye for now.

a bad day

Today was a very bad day for me. All I did was stay in bed, cry, experience immense pain all over me and sleep during tossing and turning. I haven't eaten which may attribute to my feeling of weakness. I have a recurrence of lymphoma again. It has come back in less than a year. The doctors tell me it means its very agressive and I need agressive treatment that will damage my body as well. The syptoms of this cancer can be unbearable at times. The fevers, rashes, itching, pain, sweating, and unexplained weightloss are just not fun. Sometimes at least lately I lay in bed, and I wonder if my fiance thinks i am just being inactive and lazy when just the opposite is true. my mind is fully active dreaming and wishing things were different. Even as I just lay in bed I am planning for the future. But I get sad at times since physically I cant do it right now. I am scared. I don't know what will happen to me but I am reassured by many just to take it one day at a time.