scared

I am scared. Saturday is the big day of my stem cell transplant. There was a hold back today. I went to get dental x-rays and I have two infections which may or may not hold me back on treatment. I am terrified of my treatment. I am afraid of how it will make me feel. I feel alone like no one understands. And my sister has been acting like the biggest bitch lately. She yells at me like its my fault when hospital admin fuck up. I have no control over that. Why does she not understand that? Is she not having enough sex? I dunno. I hate to say things like that but when you act like that it so comes off that way. Tonight I am trying to get some stuff done before I am admitted into the hospital, like some bills and paperwork. I am hungry right now. I want falafels. LOL>

Whats to come

I think the reality of it all just hit me and I bursted into tears. Its probably why I cant sleep.

back from hospital

I just got back from a grueling round of chemo. Its a toll on me this time I can feel it. My stomach hurts feels like someone punched it. I feel nauseous. I have the worst headache and I am dizzy. i cant even bare to stand more than a few minutes without feeling like I am passing out. I was on chemo for 24 hours straight for four days in preparation for my stem cell transplant. My mind feels a bit foggy so I will end this blog here.

chemo

Today I had chemo. I am two weeks late for it. Not a big deal I thought but the oncologist caught an attitude with me and totally dismissed my lump in my right breast. I am going to monitor it and get a second opinion on it as well. Tomorrow I will check in and get the more aggressive stuff as I prepare for the stem cell transplant. I freaking out. I am scared. I know the odds are low on dying from this but the side affects are grand and many. I am not looking forward to the nausea and everything else that comes with the chemo side effects. I will want to go home like in my first day. The way chemo makes you feel is like your being poisoned slowly to death. I really want this to be over soon. I am sick of this and everything. I don't like how it makes my mind foggy or me moody.

At least my fiance is there for me and supportive.

another day

I have some art jobs coming up male erotic shots. Whats on my mind is my sister lately she has been so bitchy I mean I wanna tell her sometimes thats why your husband left you. He could notbe himself around you. That's why he is with a redhead a girl who probably accepts him for who he is. I also applied for social security disability Iope it goes well. might be out of work for a while. And Monday I have an interview for an internship.
Sometimes its good to write this way just to get ideas out. And then more tests this week pt and ct scans. Well anyway back to the sis she irritates the fuck out of me. She is so dry and judgemental. No one can relax around her. She treats me like shit. She will never find the right person if she continues to be that way. Sometimes i think she just needs more sex from her bf. Or maybe she needs the stick pulled out of her ass. I dunno why shes like that.

I have been noticing that my appetite is increasing probably from the steroids. And I am scared I left the lump in my breast grow back. And my hand some some nasty skin growth probably due to my low immune system.

today

I still feel angry not sure what its about. not sure if its medical related or just stresS. Staying away from my sister has shown me how much of a bitch she is. I can never act myself around her. Right now I am hungry. I think my laptop is broke the keys are acting funny.